I was given a Hitachi cordless drill about fifteen years ago. It came with a big torch. When the 1AH NiCd batteries it came with faded too far, I replaced them with newer 3AH batteries. This year they finally began to give up too, and I decided to get a New Torch.

After much deliberation, I ordered a replacement, an LED torch, for an eyewatering (to me) $266.

It’s a “tactical” torch, which appears to mean it is well built, slightly water resistant and has a switch on the end.

Now – I spend my days on a gas lift chair moving only my eyeballs and fingertips. Which means, I am told, that I am a perfect match for 90% of the demographic that buys “tactical” things. This thing allegedly throws 10000 lumens over half a klick. It has five (5) different modes and will last 70 hours on a charge. It can be used to charge other devices.

It weighs well over 500g, so in extremis could be thrown at an attacker. Backwards over my shoulder, because I will be running away at that point. It would probably slow them down quite a bit, if only because they would stop to pick up the torch, because that’s $266 worth of value right there.

I’m planning a major and I do mean major surprise for the possums around here, who have of late been snickering at the fading yellow glow of the elderly incandescent bulb in my current torch.

Mostly, though, I use my new torch to get firewood of an evening, and to take the bins down the drive of a Thursday night. If I don’t do those things in daylight.

But I know, in my secret heart, that should I ever really need them I have TEN THOUSAND kick-arse lumens in a fucking TACTICAL TORCH, ready to unleash on any patch of darkness that dares to get in my way.